Dear Colin,
May I…“unburden” my heart and tell you my story and why I have been drawn to your ministry? You don’t have to read it, but I have to tell it.
I have participated in same-sex relationships since I was 27. Prior to that I had no sexual experience except masturbation from age 18. I am 46 now. I have never believed that sex was what drew me to same-sex relationships. I wanted to be loved…In late 1998 I wrote down 8 steps of deception that I had gone through to get to the point of actually being physically attracted to men…I obtained a set of your Hidden Orphans cassette tapes and for the first time heard someone explain the process similar to what I had written down. You said it in 3 steps. I elaborated a little more and wrote 8. But I hadn’t heard your tapes then.
I was the 10th child born…to parents who had 16 children…My Dad was physically present all my life until his death in 1998 at age 85. However, he was emotionally distant from any of us. He called me the wrong name much of the time. He was gruff a lot of the time and yelled…Largely he just ignored us…I always say that my Dad learned about God’s grace; he just never got graciousness down very well…I only mention the spiritual side of my parents because it had a lot to do with my upbringing. They were extremely strict. No dancing, no cards, no dice, no TV, no drinking, no looking at yourself naked. I just made that one up. And lots of guilt. Be sure your sins will find you out. The total depravity of man. Be not deceived, God is not mocked. A man reaps whatever he soweth. As man thinketh in his heart, so is he.
…My life seemed somewhat normal and happy to age 10. I never worried too much about my identity until that age. I played well at school with everyone. Had normal friendships…and pretty much fit in. When I was 10 my brother John was killed. He was 17.
John picked on me. He doubled his middle finger knuckle back and hit me on the arm until it was black and blue or swelled…He was cool though. He knew everything it seemed…made model cars and go-carts…fishing, camping, fixing cars, hunting, basketball, baseball, football…fixed up 3 old Model-A Ford cars…created a “dragster”…took an old Model-T Ford frame, a piece of this, a piece of that…made a car…John milked the cow, did the plowing and planting…After John died, a lot of responsibility fell on me…So about 12 it was time for me to milk the cow, plow, fix fence, haul hay and be a man. Problem was I hadn’t been watching John to see how it was done…I learned by doing it first and then having Dad holler at me and tell me that wasn’t the right way. It took me years to learn that fathers should teach their sons and then have them do [it]…I yearned to hunt and fish but my Dad didn’t do those things. My cousins wouldn’t take me because I didn’t know how. Maybe I wasn’t a real man anyway. I felt more comfortable around my sisters and their friends. It was less threatening. I never wanted to be a girl or to do feminine things. Just never felt I belonged to either sex…
At age 14 my older sister married a guy who took a liking…to me. He wanted me so bad he could hardly stand it. He would tell me stories of things his uncle did to him, things they did with animals. I had no clue what he was talking about. I had no knowledge at all except that I sure liked breasts and women’s parts. But men? I couldn’t imagine…But Satan had planted a seed. I must have been a hard one to crack because it was 13 years later that I ever had enough curiosity or desire to do anything…I had crushes on same-sex classmates from the time I was about 16…But I never thought of anything sexually in connection with it…
I was raised knowing what it meant to accept Christ as Savior. So I did when I was about 6…I must have gotten saved lots of times after that because I was never sure I did it right. I didn’t know God’s love. But because I did love God, I never even considered having a live-in lover. I have had probably 100 sexual encounters over the past 19 years…Always had a crush on a co-worker or church member. But never would let them know it…I only dated a girl one time when I was in high school and my family embarrassed and humiliated me so much with their teasing me about being “alone with Carla” on a date that I never went again. I never dated anyone in college at all. I did date a female from age 22 to 26 when I started teaching school. I really liked her. But I couldn’t get over the crushes I had on men either…I never actually touched any man I had a crush on. But I hugged a lot of pillows and had a lot of fantasies…Anyway, that is where I am today. Wanting to be loved. Not having sex with people I know. Always secretly in love with a co-worker, church friend. And wanting to be rid of it all. Never sharing this with anyone. Just telling the Lord. Please help me.
J.C.
Dear Colin Cook,
Enclosed is $150 for July, August and September partnership. I have been listening for a year now and have started praising [for] all the things that happen to me. Your program has restored God back into my life. Thank you very much.
W.Z.
Dear Colin,
I have been listening to your program for several months now…I am not homosexual, but…have always had difficulty in understanding my righteousness and justification before God, even as I battle with…[my] problems. You have helped lift a very burdensome weight from me as I have come to understand that I needn’t try to get myself perfect before the Lord or separate myself from Him each time I fall, whatever the problem…that causes me to stumble.
I am always amazed at the lack of love the Christian community traditionally shows to…group[s] with which it cannot deal “neatly”…
T.W.